Sorted

Think it's sorted now, and hopefully the majority of my relationships with people haven't been too ruined on the way. I think the pieces are finally falling together, hopefully it'll stay like this, at least long enough for me to get my head together.

New Year

New Year, New Shit, New Confusion. How have I messed this up already? I want to escape. I want to escape so much, but I'm trapped! I can't do it. I'm forever locked here. All I want to do is fly, but I'm too afraid I'll fall...

End of 2010

If I look back on it all, it seems fruitless, I've taken a step back in life this year. I've gone from taken to single, my mood has dropped exponentially and I've been overcome with work. I'm not looking for 2011 to be any easier, I'm not looking for 2011 to be fantastic, I just want it to be better, even if only a little, nothing major. I just want existing to become my forte.

And they all come tumbling down...

So, there are many lads around me, but all of their friendships have come tumbling down, excpet one, and I find myself wanting him, to be with him, but it's never gonna happen, although he seems to be into me too, he has a girlfriend, my mate fancies him, and he's too good a friend to risk loosing, plus, he's a bit of a player... things are always so complicated...

FREE!!

I've done it!!! After weeks of saying it and failing, I've finally managed a HOMEWORK FREE weekend!!!!!!! Oh yeah guys, this is what it's all about! :D

Succeding isn't always easy.

I thought I'd finally found the person who I could chat to about anything, who, when my troubles are terrible and I feel so sick and numb that I'm going to do something stupid that I can tell her and she'll help me through it, but now, I've found out that she has problems too, and it's making me feel terrible that I've let her deal with it on her own, piling mine on top of hers too. :/ but she won't let me in, she won't let me help her, and now, it seems like she's avoiding me, I worry that we're not as close as I thought. I'm hoping that she'll find a way to deal with her stuff on her own, but I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. I'm not going to force her into dwelling on my problems when she obviously has her own to deal with. It's not fair. I'm not going to pressure her to tell me anything, but I'm not going to tell her anything, not out of spite, but for the pure simple reason, it's not fair for her to deal with twice the amount when she won't even let me half her load. I'll just deal with things on my own, and help her if she want's it. But it's not fair to expect help from her.

Sunday Afternoon.

Great start to the holiday, nothing like being in bed all day ill and bored out of you brain, confused and tired. Funny how you can spend your whole life thinking on thing, then someone says the slightest mention and your whole thoughts just get destroyed and you think, oh my god, they might be right...

Betrayed.

Pfft. Best friend my arse.

Inconsiderate and Inept

After months of asking for a second chance, and asking me to forgive you, and asking me to let you have another shot. After months of hounding me, asking me to meet up with you and saying you'll never forget about me again, and that you'll make time for me, and hang out with me, how can you do it all over again. I said that I was unsure, I didn't want to feel unneeded and inadequet again, but you promised me you'd changed, and that you were different, that this time, I would stay at the top of your important list. But it was all lies. I can't believe I fell for it again. I can't belive I agreed, and let you back into my life, just so you could hurt me again. You only ever even think about hanging out with me, when you've got NO ONE else. Even then, you've already gone through EVERYONE you can think of. I can't believe I actually believed you. I'm all for second chances. But no one ever changes when it comes to me.

Say what now?

Why is it, at my weakest emotionally, I have loads of lads who keep talking to me? And not one of them is appropriate to go out with, and if they are, they aren't showing any interest... Why can't I just meet a genuinly nice lad? No complications? ... Oh wait, I forgot, that's impossible...

Finally Home

Ahh, the bliss of my own house, my own bed, my own shower, even my own kitchen. After three weeks away, I'm glad to be back. My mind still is insane, and I don't think it'll change for a while now, but I might as well just learn to live with it. I'm getting better. It still hurts like hell to think, but I can stand to be on my own for a while now, staying in your house when you're on holiday probably didn't help though... I want to get over it, but at the same time, I don't. But hopefully, a new look, a new me. Some habits are hard to break though...

You gotta have faith?

You 've gotta have faith I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Generally because I'm afraid of what will happen if I let my kind wander. But I really no longer know what to believe. Everything someone says seems to contradict something else and I just don't understand religion or faith. I suppose I'd like to think it's true. But in my mind, it just doesn't seem logical. I've been going round in circles for days, I'm going to have to do some thinking. I need to sort my head out, or I'm going to be messed up for life. I'm already getting there, and being a messed up teenager is hardly going to help life.

Broken hearted girl...

Well, my hearts shattered to a million pieces, and yet I still love you with all the little pieces. I don't understand your reasoning, and as stupid as I sound, I just want you back. I don't understand why you can't see you're the only one for me, why we're perfect together. You say that it's because I don't know you, so let me find out. You've got to let us try, otherwise, it's like you never cared at all. I can't even be on my own anymore, I'm constantly out, because my life seems to fall apart everytime it's just me, because it's not the act so much that hurts, it's the perfect memories me have that are killing me, and I want you back, I want this hurt to end. Just open up to me, please. It's you, it has always been, and will always be, you. Stop messing around and see that already.

Irony of Life...

It's funny how, when we both have things to do, revision that should be keeping us both busy, I see you more than I have done for a long time, I think procrastiation is an art. You're doing it. You're there when I need you, you're thoughtful, you're caring. Let's see how long it lasts. It's good to have it back. It's finally summer and there's so much to do, sorting and cleaning, with OCD, new times, girlie stuff, dates, because it will happen. I'm not going to waste the 'best summer of my life' with crap. It's going to be interesting! Even if I have to do everything myself!

Starting again.

Okay, so, I'm sorting my life out finally! Sorting it into little neat sized folders with organised colours, yeah, my OCD is a killer! It seems to crop up constantly now, and I can't do anything unless it's perfect, if it's not, i have to start again. It's a bummer, but I've learnt to live with it, it's kind of nice knowing where everything is, and finally being able to understand what I'm doing. So my new life has begun, not a complete change but hopefully with some improvements. Let's just see what happens...

So the Circle repeats

So, once again, he's got his own life, and I said I wouldn't be bothered, but when it gets to the extent I've seen him 3 hours at best in the past 3-4 weeks, its getting a little pathetic. I try not to care, as he seems not too, but it's so hard. I love him so much, and each time he says hes busy, hes shattering my heart. I don't know how much longer I can take it, I'm trying to distract myself, but nothing seems to stop me checking my empty phone to see if he's tried. Each time, I'm more dissapointed than I was before it. Its shattering me, and I don't know how long it'll be until I completely break. Expecially as he doesn't seem to care.

One Person

It's funny how one person changes everything. Absolutely everything. I have one chance and it all becomes disrupted, he has his own life, and now, I have mine, just as he decides to take an interest on his own. This is stupid! Why is it, that as soon as I decide not to bother too much if he's busy, and that I want to hang out on my own or with my own friends, he decides to start inviting me out, wanting to come and see me? Of course, it has only happened once, but still.

Back with a vengance!

And I'm back! Not saying no to any opportunity that passes me by, and its fantastic! I'm genuinely happy again, and not just with you, with everyone else as well. How things change so quickly! I love it, hopefully I can keep this up, but, with the right friends, it may just work out in the end.

Roller coaster Weather.

So, Wales weather. This is pathetic. I hate this stupid weather! Will it make its mind up, rain or shine, it seems to hate me. It can't decide. I've got so much work to do, and no energy to do it. Instead, I sit on my laptop, writing fanatical stories and updating my blog with nothing of much importance. I hate this! Why won't my mind focus?

Taken away, kicking and screaming.

Well, it's time for my families trip to the caravan, only this time, I don't have a friend to take with me. They all have their own lives, leaving me stuck up in the middle of no where, alone. I'm bored, it's raining and it's empty. At least this way though, I get a chance to do everything I wouldn't want to do at home. I can get some things finished, start some things that I didn't have time to start back at home, and I get a break from it all, which could be just what I need. There is a silver lining to every cloud, lets just hope this optimistic attitude survives the holiday. More from me, with the holiday of a bored lifetime, hoping it gets better. Wish me luck.

And again...

I really don't see why I still bother trying, its not like you're bothered at all. I haven't seen you for a week and you live down the road. I'm going on holiday on Tuesday and you promised you'd see me today, but then, when I ask if you're coming down, you say you're busy. I'm just not going to see you at all am I? I'm going to keep on trying, but I don't think I can handle getting rejected over and over again. I'm not some emotionless monster you can have or leave when you feel like it. I have feelings and you just don't seem to care. I don't see why I bother trying, when you obviously don't care at all. I don't want to only be able to see you when you can fit me in around everything else. You're my boyfriend, surely you need to make time to see me. I'm happy to drop everything for you, only problem is, I do that, and you have last minuet plans. Again. I really don't see why I carry on bothering. Every single promise that you make me seems to be broken, and every little thing you do leaves me open. I can't go on like this. It hurts too much.

Oh my GAWD!!

Why the hell do you do this! You're adimant you can come and see my, but as soon as it comes round to it, you have an excuse! It makes me feel pathetic, surely you don't find out you have homework at 6o'clock, surely you've known since school, so stop telling me you can when you know you can't! At least that way I can make plans instead of feeling like shit all night!! And you're meant to love me. Nice to know that's true.

Well, a day from the unexpected...

It has been a fantastic weekend. I don't think I have laughed so much in my life! I had such a good time! It actually has been undescribable :) Thank you all.

You may be late, but you show up with a BANG! :D

Wow

So, it's nice to know, that even when your boyfriend fails you, that your friends are there to pick up the pieces. I actually laughed all night :) Seeing him today though, love to see what he's got to say for himself after leaving me to cope on my own. Don't get me wrong, I understand he might feel awkward and I'm deffinatly not going to look my best, but so far, every time I've needed him, he's let me down. I don't think I can take it another time...

Another day...

Wow, things just don't seem to change, I tell you the worst news I've had since my rabbit dies and I don't heard from you at all. You told me you felt a little bit sick and I came round, rung you and text everyday to see how you where. Nice to know you feel the same way I suppose. I wish I didn't love you so much, it would make this so much easier! I guess it's just nice to know one of us makes the effort. Usually though, it's meant to be the lad. :/ Maybe you're just over it know, thanks for filling me in. I give up. I hate life. I'm depressed and it's what I'm good at, it's too hard to turn it around.

I understand...

I understand completely, I mean, what kind of boyfriend wants to go and see his girlfriend when she's at her lowest? What kind of boyfriend is there to hug her when she needs to be hugged? What kind of boyfriend is there when she needs him the most? I understand completely.

:(

Where are you when I need you most? Even a text will suffice, I just want a damned hug.

Trapped in a vicious circle...

And so it keeps happening again and again... Or not happening as you seem to be so keen on...

I must concure...

The days are getting better, the nights are getting longer and the love it getting stronger. Life is turning fab again :D

I think I can keep trying.

I don't want to be the one person in life that pisses everyone off. So I will try and shake it off, I'm not saying my temper will manage this drastic turn of events, but I will have to try. Please don't leave me, I'm changing for you...

Is it starting again? Or should I say ending?

So, I've worked it with my mates, :) I can fill the awkward silences with random spurts of idiotiness, and they seem happy that I'm back to my normal self, but inside, I'm dying. Why can't you see, that you're never there when I need you most? Why do you do this so easily, when inside I'm falling apart without you? It doesn't make sense...

It's going to be harder than I first thought...

So the simplicity of my idea was more than I first anticipated. It turns out, I can't just snap my fingers and be all happy and bouncy again, it's something that I'm going to have to work on...a lot. Everything is different, my friends have noticed, and I can't risk everything come crashing down on me, I have to pick it all back up! I can't lose this. So maybe existing isn't my forte, but that doesn't mean I stop trying to enjoy it. No matter how hard it gets.

Can she even say that?

So, parents evening tonight, and my history teacher has desided to tell my mum, since I've come back after being ill for two weeks, I act depressed, what the hell? I've lost the sparkle in my eye? Maybe it's true, maybe I do act depressed at times, sure, I ain't been as happy as I have been. My flipping rabbit died, it's going to take a while to get over that, and then my bird? Sounds pathetic, but a change like that isn't good for me. Things need to stay the same. My rabbit was a part of me, for 8 years, and I can't just throw that away and forget about it. I can't go back to being how I once was, with a gaping hole in my heart. It's just going to take a little getting used to. I'm sorry I don't have that sparkle in my eye, but I'm working on getting it back, I'm working on it. Everytime I laugh or smile, it appears, even if only for a second. I'm trying to get back on track, and it's just too much pressure. I just have to go with the flow though, I'm dwelling in everything whilst the rest of life is passing me by, and I can see people don't like it. They're getting bored of me. So I need to get this twinkle back, and fast, otherwise I'm going to lose everything. I just need to smile. My very existance depends on it. There is one person that can fix it all... I just have to hope I'm not beyond repair...

Is it just me...

Everytime you're with me, it all just seeps away. Everytime you're with me, I wish for you to stay. I don't understand my feelings, you really are so sweet, yet I can't help thinking you forget me, as soon as I'm not around anymore. I don't know if its just me being paranoid, or if I'm onto something here...

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry, I don't actually completely know what I've done, I know I'm a bitch, and I can truely be hard work a lot of the time, but I'm trying to change, I love you so much, you mean more than the world to me and I would do anything to make us right again. I'm sick of playing these stupid games, sure you're annoying and mean sometimes, but so are we all, me more than most. I truely am so sorry, I love you more than anyone else I have ever known and that will probably always be true. In fact, I know it will always be true. You are my life, and though the good times and the bad, I know you're always there. Please don't let me ruin it, because, no matter what I say, I love you so much, and no matter what happens, I always will, and I mean that forever. Maybe existing isn't my forte, but that sure won't stop me giving it a go! Please don't give up on me. I love you.

Am I going crazy?

It seems that every day in my diary starts with, I was meant to do this with him, but... Always the but, everytime we make plans there seems to be something wrong, and I can't even get mad at you about it because your excuse is always some form of illness or something that isn't your fault. I'm sure you said last Friday that you'd done ALL your homework, only now you have more... It seems that you just don't want to be around me anymore, I don't even get texts from you... Would you just make up your mind, you can't argue that you love me more and then blank me. We've had a week off school and I haven't seen you, in fact the only time I did see you was when I made the effort to, squeezing you in for half an hour before running to meet my friends. See what happens when I don't make the effort. What really pissed me off though, is that I was meant to hang out with you on Friday, and therefore jibbed off plans with my friends so we could spend the day together, and not an hour after they'd already gone, you text saying you couldn't come round. I'm sick of having nothing to do. Maybe it just means I'm not meant to be around. I've given up trying though, there's just too much disappointment in it...

Seriously?

Oh, my god. Where are you at this time of day? You're either asleep, or out with my friends!

Hmm..

The word rejected is coming to mind...

Another day...

It's been okay, I'm getting through then without sending myself mental all the time. I think I'm slowly overcoming my paranoia stage, and getting over my fear of talking on the phone. I'm no longer going to be afraid to text him first, or to ring him if I feel like it. :D he's an unromantic twit, and I love him anyway :) I'm not going to ruin it over nothing! Expecially when I feel like this.

Turning my life around...

Things have taken an unexpected turn for the better. I've desided, with the help of my good old uncle Colin, that life is far too short to waste it being angry all the time. I'm going to try my hardest to stop fretting about the little things. I'm going to try to make life fun and interesting again. So maybe it's true that existing isn't my forte, and maybe life will always throw me in the deepend of everything. I'm just going to have to dive right through and consentrate on the little things that make it all worth it. Because the fog is clearing and the mist is leaving, I can see them now. I don't want to loose them again...

Just a passing thought

Ever reckon it's time you gave up on something, just to see if it matters to the other person? I'm tired of making the effort all the time, it's just not fair, but hopefully, with V-Day on its way, something good might just happen (y) Then again... When has that ever been an excuse for romance?

The start of it all...

Okay, so I tried the whole upbeat and happy image, but guess what, it faultered, I couldn't keep it up, although, no-one seemed to know it was an act. I'm meant to have a happy life, with a fantastic boyfriend and amazing friends, so why is it that every single one of my days turns out crap, I get angry at the thought of him not texting me like he promised and I just want to go to bed and cry. I can't though, because that would worry my mum and dad, and so far, they are still oblivious. I'm tired of my whole life being led around a lie and I'm tired of making out like I'm happy and excited and carefree, when inside the stress is killing me and even the tiny things that shouldn't matter, wind me up. It's the faults that don't matter to him, and seem triveal to everyone else are whats making me hate everything. Why do I constantly think everyone is out to get me? Why am I always worried that the only good thing in my life will end? Why am I me? The answer: Maybe Existing, isn't my forte.