Is it starting again? Or should I say ending?

So, I've worked it with my mates, :) I can fill the awkward silences with random spurts of idiotiness, and they seem happy that I'm back to my normal self, but inside, I'm dying. Why can't you see, that you're never there when I need you most? Why do you do this so easily, when inside I'm falling apart without you? It doesn't make sense...