It's going to be harder than I first thought...

So the simplicity of my idea was more than I first anticipated. It turns out, I can't just snap my fingers and be all happy and bouncy again, it's something that I'm going to have to work on...a lot. Everything is different, my friends have noticed, and I can't risk everything come crashing down on me, I have to pick it all back up! I can't lose this. So maybe existing isn't my forte, but that doesn't mean I stop trying to enjoy it. No matter how hard it gets.

Can she even say that?

So, parents evening tonight, and my history teacher has desided to tell my mum, since I've come back after being ill for two weeks, I act depressed, what the hell? I've lost the sparkle in my eye? Maybe it's true, maybe I do act depressed at times, sure, I ain't been as happy as I have been. My flipping rabbit died, it's going to take a while to get over that, and then my bird? Sounds pathetic, but a change like that isn't good for me. Things need to stay the same. My rabbit was a part of me, for 8 years, and I can't just throw that away and forget about it. I can't go back to being how I once was, with a gaping hole in my heart. It's just going to take a little getting used to. I'm sorry I don't have that sparkle in my eye, but I'm working on getting it back, I'm working on it. Everytime I laugh or smile, it appears, even if only for a second. I'm trying to get back on track, and it's just too much pressure. I just have to go with the flow though, I'm dwelling in everything whilst the rest of life is passing me by, and I can see people don't like it. They're getting bored of me. So I need to get this twinkle back, and fast, otherwise I'm going to lose everything. I just need to smile. My very existance depends on it. There is one person that can fix it all... I just have to hope I'm not beyond repair...

Is it just me...

Everytime you're with me, it all just seeps away. Everytime you're with me, I wish for you to stay. I don't understand my feelings, you really are so sweet, yet I can't help thinking you forget me, as soon as I'm not around anymore. I don't know if its just me being paranoid, or if I'm onto something here...

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry, I don't actually completely know what I've done, I know I'm a bitch, and I can truely be hard work a lot of the time, but I'm trying to change, I love you so much, you mean more than the world to me and I would do anything to make us right again. I'm sick of playing these stupid games, sure you're annoying and mean sometimes, but so are we all, me more than most. I truely am so sorry, I love you more than anyone else I have ever known and that will probably always be true. In fact, I know it will always be true. You are my life, and though the good times and the bad, I know you're always there. Please don't let me ruin it, because, no matter what I say, I love you so much, and no matter what happens, I always will, and I mean that forever. Maybe existing isn't my forte, but that sure won't stop me giving it a go! Please don't give up on me. I love you.

Am I going crazy?

It seems that every day in my diary starts with, I was meant to do this with him, but... Always the but, everytime we make plans there seems to be something wrong, and I can't even get mad at you about it because your excuse is always some form of illness or something that isn't your fault. I'm sure you said last Friday that you'd done ALL your homework, only now you have more... It seems that you just don't want to be around me anymore, I don't even get texts from you... Would you just make up your mind, you can't argue that you love me more and then blank me. We've had a week off school and I haven't seen you, in fact the only time I did see you was when I made the effort to, squeezing you in for half an hour before running to meet my friends. See what happens when I don't make the effort. What really pissed me off though, is that I was meant to hang out with you on Friday, and therefore jibbed off plans with my friends so we could spend the day together, and not an hour after they'd already gone, you text saying you couldn't come round. I'm sick of having nothing to do. Maybe it just means I'm not meant to be around. I've given up trying though, there's just too much disappointment in it...

Seriously?

Oh, my god. Where are you at this time of day? You're either asleep, or out with my friends!

Hmm..

The word rejected is coming to mind...

Another day...

It's been okay, I'm getting through then without sending myself mental all the time. I think I'm slowly overcoming my paranoia stage, and getting over my fear of talking on the phone. I'm no longer going to be afraid to text him first, or to ring him if I feel like it. :D he's an unromantic twit, and I love him anyway :) I'm not going to ruin it over nothing! Expecially when I feel like this.

Turning my life around...

Things have taken an unexpected turn for the better. I've desided, with the help of my good old uncle Colin, that life is far too short to waste it being angry all the time. I'm going to try my hardest to stop fretting about the little things. I'm going to try to make life fun and interesting again. So maybe it's true that existing isn't my forte, and maybe life will always throw me in the deepend of everything. I'm just going to have to dive right through and consentrate on the little things that make it all worth it. Because the fog is clearing and the mist is leaving, I can see them now. I don't want to loose them again...

Just a passing thought

Ever reckon it's time you gave up on something, just to see if it matters to the other person? I'm tired of making the effort all the time, it's just not fair, but hopefully, with V-Day on its way, something good might just happen (y) Then again... When has that ever been an excuse for romance?

The start of it all...

Okay, so I tried the whole upbeat and happy image, but guess what, it faultered, I couldn't keep it up, although, no-one seemed to know it was an act. I'm meant to have a happy life, with a fantastic boyfriend and amazing friends, so why is it that every single one of my days turns out crap, I get angry at the thought of him not texting me like he promised and I just want to go to bed and cry. I can't though, because that would worry my mum and dad, and so far, they are still oblivious. I'm tired of my whole life being led around a lie and I'm tired of making out like I'm happy and excited and carefree, when inside the stress is killing me and even the tiny things that shouldn't matter, wind me up. It's the faults that don't matter to him, and seem triveal to everyone else are whats making me hate everything. Why do I constantly think everyone is out to get me? Why am I always worried that the only good thing in my life will end? Why am I me? The answer: Maybe Existing, isn't my forte.